how long

How long will this last? How long do I have to wait til I can see him again? I feel like I am just waiting for him to return, that he is not really gone. 14 months, and why does it not sink in? How can this even be possible? Days go by, a bit easier then in the beginning..but only to have the pain lie dormant...never gone.

So now it resurfaces...the questions in my head coming back...why? what is all this about? what is the meaning, purpose of this life? How can he be gone? Why hasn't he come back to me? Doesn't he know how much I miss him, how much I need him? Why can't he be here to see all that I still see...all the changes that are going on around me...things that he will never experience...so many people I meet that don't even seem to deserve to be here...he desereved to be here, he was loved, he loved, he was full of life, many talents, gifts. He had so much more life to live.

Can't stand this anymore.

Our Favorite Holiday

I had always loved the fall...most beautiful season of all. Love the changing colors of the leaves, the crisp, cool temps. And Halloween....oh how I loved Halloween. Bob loved it too. Today, I made some copies of photos of all the crazy Halloween costumes he wore over the years. Going to make a shadow box out of them. He was like a little kid when it came to Halloween. We'd work together at locating outfits at the local thrift store and putting it together to create awsome costumes for him. Then on Halloween night, he'd rush home from work and hook up the surround sound speakers to play those spookey Halloween sounds, blare them out the window, decorate the yard with all of his wild taxidermy animals (bears, raccoon,) along with the scary masks. He had to be the one to give out the candy, cause he would hide on the porch with a string in his hand that was tied to a tree that was covered with a scary mask draped over it, and when the kids would walk up to knock on the door, he'd make the tree move as he let out a scream......He would laugh his ass off when the kids jumped and ran. God I miss him.

I have decided, bravely to have a Halloween party the week before Halloween. I am so anxious about it. He was more of a hostess then me....and knowing he wont be here to not only help out, but to celebrate with us is difficult.....so why am I even doing it? I don't know....I hope I hold up well...perhaps it's a way to "honor" his happy days.

But, fall so far has been cold and gloomy. And with it, it is bringing me down. I miss him and all the great fun he was.....He made me laugh harder then anyone I ever knew. I wish he were here right now to cheer me up. I really never knew how much I needed him in my life. I never realized, or gave it much thought actually, how empty my life would be without him. Who would ever expect anyways that a healthy young man dies. It is just all so wrong.

What a let down

Ok, all that hype, all that built up anxiety and flooding of emotions days before the one year mark. Then, the day arrives, September 23, 2009, and I do fine. Nothing major happens, no real crazy melt down. Just calm.

But now, there is this huge let down. I also had this crazy sensation that once that one year mark came and went, the pain would go with it....but nothing has changed. Still aching, still missing him, still having a barage of emotions that are seriously taking a physical toll on me. God, how much longer....how much longer will I feel like this? I am so tired of it, I am actually getting frustrated with myself. I want to just 'SNAP OUT' this. Can't this grief crap just be over with? I've had enough. I'm tired, I'm in pain and I just want these miserable feelings to end.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN??!!

3 more days. 9/23/09...one entire year since the worst day of my entire life. How could it have gone by so fast? The strange feeling of it feeling just like yesterday, yet feeling like forever. What is this scary sensation that "something" will happen on the one year mark? It is causing me so much anxiety. I am trying ever so hard to keep very busy...tie up my time with yard work, house work, dinner and phone conversations with friends. I just don't want to acknowledge or think of that dreadful day...those most dreadful feelings. I'm trying to escape the pain.....can I run fast enough? Can I hide from it forever? If I live to be 100, I will have to try and elude this pain for another 58 years.......such a daunting task.

Count Down

14 more days....and a year will have gone by. That horrible, horrible day, etched in my mind forever. I feel so numb, yet anxious. I am shutting down. I just don't want to feel pain anymore. But with the numbness comes the blocking of memories of him. That is so wrong, and no way to honor him...but I just can't think of him right now. It is just too painful when I let myself open my soul up and "feel". Am I going to be an empty, numb shell for the rest of my life? What is going on with me? It's not even like I am able to control this. It is like I felt the days following his death...shock and numb. I hate not being able to feel...but I also don't want to feel the pain. When will real happiness share it's life with me again? If I'm not numb, I'm feeling anger...anger at my life, anger at him for "leaving me". No it's not rational, but neither am I at this point. Moments of that day start to creep into my head and begin to try and replay itself...but I stop it!!! I don't want to remember. I don't want to feel anymore. I can't feel.

It is exactly 11 months to the day that my life was forever changed. I can not believe, don't want to believe, a year will soon be approaching since I last saw my love. The memories keep flooding my brain. I can vividly remember events that took place the last months of his life...never knowing that they were to be our last months together. Time, they say, heals all wounds.....I no longer believe this. Time has only made the pain so much more intense. The longing becomes greater, the pain more intense. I will love him forever.

My Bill of Grief Rights

These are my bill of rights that I have created for myself, to empower me through my grief journey.

I have the right to be angry at those who have turned their backs on me at my time of need.
I have the right to cast aside all those who choose words or actions that cause me more harm and pain, and look for others who bring me words of peace.
I have a right to feel sadness, anger, pain, numbness, denial, pleasure, and happiness. I have a right to feel all of these arrays of emotions in a single day, single hour, and single minute and single millisecond.
I have a right to feel like I am crazy, on the verge of insanity, without the fear that others feel I need to be committed.
I have the right to have self-pity and wallow in it when I need to.
I have the right to feel intense fear, loneliness, and isolation, and not feel ashamed of it. I have the right to feel the need to reach out to others, as I am weak, not because that is who I am, but because my loss has weakened me.
I have a right to feel great anger, and scream out and curse God, and all those around me for taking away the man I loved.
I have a right to feel cheated and resentful that my dreams, my hopes, and my plans have been ripped away from me.
I have a right to feel guilty for all the things I didn’t do or say to the man I loved; for all the things I said or did that may have caused him pain. I have the right to feel regrets for all the unfinished business that I will never be able to complete.
I have the right to want to talk about the man I loved, over and over and over again. I have the right to not want to let go of the memories or the hope that he will come back to me again, no matter how insane this thought is.
I have a right to tell others of the goodness in this man, and also his flaws; for the times he made me happy, made me sad or angry…he was human, and all that he was, good and bad, is what made me love him. I have the right to not be looked down upon because we didn’t have “the perfect” relationship, or because at times, even in his death, I may speak words of anger of him. I will not place him on a pedestal, or make him into a saint….he wasn’t one, and neither was I…and I don’t believe there is anyone out there who is. He was just a man that I loved deeply, for all that he was. And he was a man, who loved me, for all the good and bad that I was.
I have the right to want to seek out others who understand me, so that I don’t feel so alone or isolated.
I have the right to long for him, to miss him, to ache at his absence.
I have the right to feel at times that death may be better than life.
I have the right to avoid the intense pain at times, just to have some relief.
I have the right to want to live and go on, and hope and search for that light at the end of the tunnel.
I have the right to see the world in my gray colored glasses, and know that nothing brings me joy right now.
I have the right to not care what others “think” about me, or what others “think” I should be doing.
I have the right to not have others define for me my pain, my sorrow, my feelings.
I have the right to want to be happy again one day, but only when I’m ready.
I have a right to keep him in my heart forever…never letting go of the life we had, the memories we shared, the impact he has made on my life. I am forever changed by having loved him and now by having lost him.
I have the right to make this MY PERSONAL JOURNEY, unique to only myself and no one else, and to know that I have the right to travel it for as long as the road takes, for however length of time it will take me, until I am able to find a place where the desire to live out weights the desire to die.
In loving memory to the man I loved, Robert
Loving you always, Diana

In September 2000, I began my journey of love with Bob. On September 23, 2008, the physical journey with Bob came to it's end, but the spiritual journey continues on, for love does not end even in death.

I want to honor him by taking the biggest gift he had given to me througout our time together on this earth....his unconditional love for me. I will embrace this type of love he had for me, and learn to live by it. Although the pain of losing him is unbearable, I will embrace the gifts that he has given to me, not only while he was here on earth, but even as he still touches me, spiritually, as I know that he is still here with me, cause his love was so great to ever be taken away.

It is through the loss of someone we love that we realize the depth of the love we had for them.