Count Down

14 more days....and a year will have gone by. That horrible, horrible day, etched in my mind forever. I feel so numb, yet anxious. I am shutting down. I just don't want to feel pain anymore. But with the numbness comes the blocking of memories of him. That is so wrong, and no way to honor him...but I just can't think of him right now. It is just too painful when I let myself open my soul up and "feel". Am I going to be an empty, numb shell for the rest of my life? What is going on with me? It's not even like I am able to control this. It is like I felt the days following his death...shock and numb. I hate not being able to feel...but I also don't want to feel the pain. When will real happiness share it's life with me again? If I'm not numb, I'm feeling anger...anger at my life, anger at him for "leaving me". No it's not rational, but neither am I at this point. Moments of that day start to creep into my head and begin to try and replay itself...but I stop it!!! I don't want to remember. I don't want to feel anymore. I can't feel.