Ok, all that hype, all that built up anxiety and flooding of emotions days before the one year mark. Then, the day arrives, September 23, 2009, and I do fine. Nothing major happens, no real crazy melt down. Just calm.
But now, there is this huge let down. I also had this crazy sensation that once that one year mark came and went, the pain would go with it....but nothing has changed. Still aching, still missing him, still having a barage of emotions that are seriously taking a physical toll on me. God, how much longer....how much longer will I feel like this? I am so tired of it, I am actually getting frustrated with myself. I want to just 'SNAP OUT' this. Can't this grief crap just be over with? I've had enough. I'm tired, I'm in pain and I just want these miserable feelings to end.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
3 more days. 9/23/09...one entire year since the worst day of my entire life. How could it have gone by so fast? The strange feeling of it feeling just like yesterday, yet feeling like forever. What is this scary sensation that "something" will happen on the one year mark? It is causing me so much anxiety. I am trying ever so hard to keep very busy...tie up my time with yard work, house work, dinner and phone conversations with friends. I just don't want to acknowledge or think of that dreadful day...those most dreadful feelings. I'm trying to escape the pain.....can I run fast enough? Can I hide from it forever? If I live to be 100, I will have to try and elude this pain for another 58 years.......such a daunting task.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
14 more days....and a year will have gone by. That horrible, horrible day, etched in my mind forever. I feel so numb, yet anxious. I am shutting down. I just don't want to feel pain anymore. But with the numbness comes the blocking of memories of him. That is so wrong, and no way to honor him...but I just can't think of him right now. It is just too painful when I let myself open my soul up and "feel". Am I going to be an empty, numb shell for the rest of my life? What is going on with me? It's not even like I am able to control this. It is like I felt the days following his death...shock and numb. I hate not being able to feel...but I also don't want to feel the pain. When will real happiness share it's life with me again? If I'm not numb, I'm feeling anger...anger at my life, anger at him for "leaving me". No it's not rational, but neither am I at this point. Moments of that day start to creep into my head and begin to try and replay itself...but I stop it!!! I don't want to remember. I don't want to feel anymore. I can't feel.