Ok, all that hype, all that built up anxiety and flooding of emotions days before the one year mark. Then, the day arrives, September 23, 2009, and I do fine. Nothing major happens, no real crazy melt down. Just calm.
But now, there is this huge let down. I also had this crazy sensation that once that one year mark came and went, the pain would go with it....but nothing has changed. Still aching, still missing him, still having a barage of emotions that are seriously taking a physical toll on me. God, how much longer....how much longer will I feel like this? I am so tired of it, I am actually getting frustrated with myself. I want to just 'SNAP OUT' this. Can't this grief crap just be over with? I've had enough. I'm tired, I'm in pain and I just want these miserable feelings to end.
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I can only imagine how you are feeling right now ... the anticipation is always worse than the event as they say, and then you must feel like, ok, where is my reward for coming this far? Don't I get him back? Don't I get to feel better? No? There is no feckin reward? Jeez ...
ReplyDeleteI don't know why the milestones are so important - they don't make any difference. You still have to put one foot in front of the other, and it still hurts with every step.
ReplyDeleteI so wish there was a magic cure for the pain - hugs and blankies and the odd bottle of red wine all help a bit, but they don't take it away. Just have to keep plodding.