Sunday, February 15, 2009

My Bill of Grief Rights

These are my bill of rights that I have created for myself, to empower me through my grief journey.

I have the right to be angry at those who have turned their backs on me at my time of need.
I have the right to cast aside all those who choose words or actions that cause me more harm and pain, and look for others who bring me words of peace.
I have a right to feel sadness, anger, pain, numbness, denial, pleasure, and happiness. I have a right to feel all of these arrays of emotions in a single day, single hour, and single minute and single millisecond.
I have a right to feel like I am crazy, on the verge of insanity, without the fear that others feel I need to be committed.
I have the right to have self-pity and wallow in it when I need to.
I have the right to feel intense fear, loneliness, and isolation, and not feel ashamed of it. I have the right to feel the need to reach out to others, as I am weak, not because that is who I am, but because my loss has weakened me.
I have a right to feel great anger, and scream out and curse God, and all those around me for taking away the man I loved.
I have a right to feel cheated and resentful that my dreams, my hopes, and my plans have been ripped away from me.
I have a right to feel guilty for all the things I didn’t do or say to the man I loved; for all the things I said or did that may have caused him pain. I have the right to feel regrets for all the unfinished business that I will never be able to complete.
I have the right to want to talk about the man I loved, over and over and over again. I have the right to not want to let go of the memories or the hope that he will come back to me again, no matter how insane this thought is.
I have a right to tell others of the goodness in this man, and also his flaws; for the times he made me happy, made me sad or angry…he was human, and all that he was, good and bad, is what made me love him. I have the right to not be looked down upon because we didn’t have “the perfect” relationship, or because at times, even in his death, I may speak words of anger of him. I will not place him on a pedestal, or make him into a saint….he wasn’t one, and neither was I…and I don’t believe there is anyone out there who is. He was just a man that I loved deeply, for all that he was. And he was a man, who loved me, for all the good and bad that I was.
I have the right to want to seek out others who understand me, so that I don’t feel so alone or isolated.
I have the right to long for him, to miss him, to ache at his absence.
I have the right to feel at times that death may be better than life.
I have the right to avoid the intense pain at times, just to have some relief.
I have the right to want to live and go on, and hope and search for that light at the end of the tunnel.
I have the right to see the world in my gray colored glasses, and know that nothing brings me joy right now.
I have the right to not care what others “think” about me, or what others “think” I should be doing.
I have the right to not have others define for me my pain, my sorrow, my feelings.
I have the right to want to be happy again one day, but only when I’m ready.
I have a right to keep him in my heart forever…never letting go of the life we had, the memories we shared, the impact he has made on my life. I am forever changed by having loved him and now by having lost him.
I have the right to make this MY PERSONAL JOURNEY, unique to only myself and no one else, and to know that I have the right to travel it for as long as the road takes, for however length of time it will take me, until I am able to find a place where the desire to live out weights the desire to die.
In loving memory to the man I loved, Robert
Loving you always, Diana

Sunday, February 8, 2009

In September 2000, I began my journey of love with Bob. On September 23, 2008, the physical journey with Bob came to it's end, but the spiritual journey continues on, for love does not end even in death.

I want to honor him by taking the biggest gift he had given to me througout our time together on this earth....his unconditional love for me. I will embrace this type of love he had for me, and learn to live by it. Although the pain of losing him is unbearable, I will embrace the gifts that he has given to me, not only while he was here on earth, but even as he still touches me, spiritually, as I know that he is still here with me, cause his love was so great to ever be taken away.

It is through the loss of someone we love that we realize the depth of the love we had for them.